


Best Wizard at Defending the World Against Evil Through Children of Immense Stupid Luck

by ratherbehere



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, This is pure crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:14:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26118589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ratherbehere/pseuds/ratherbehere
Summary: Dumbledore and Gandalf are fighting for an award: Best Wizard at Defending the World Against Evil Through Children of Immense Stupid Luck.
Kudos: 8





	Best Wizard at Defending the World Against Evil Through Children of Immense Stupid Luck

**Author's Note:**

> You know how most writers are embarrassed by their early works? I am not that type of writer. I found this gem from 12 years ago just chilling in my files and knew I had to share it. I fixed a few typos and that's it. I hope the fact that I wrote it to be ridiculous works in my favor.
> 
> Also, not that this matters much to the absurdity that is this thing, but I evidently wrote it between the release of "Harry stalks Draco Malfoy" and "The Longest Camping Trip Ever."

“So at last we meet again, Albus.”

“Indeed, Gandalf.”

They stood in a dark, musty hall. No light came from the outside, as there were no windows, and no light came from a candle or a fire. The only source of light was the plaque in the middle of the room, sitting bravely on top of a gold pedestal. The whole centerpiece seemed to glow from within.

The two locked eyes and stared intently at one another from across the pedestal. Both were used to being able to intimidate with a stare, but the intimidating stare only bounced off the other’s.

“That was an inadequate use of time,” Gandalf purposed minutes later.

“Perhaps we should skip to the arguing part then?” 

“Yes, perhaps,” Gandalf agreed. “You first then, dear sir.”

“How very kind of you,” Dumbledore said with a small bow. “Very well. But since it is clear you will not win a battle against me, as I am the all-powerful Headmaster of Hogwarts, you might concede. The plaque is as good as mine.”

“But it is not clear. I am Gandalf the Opaque, and I have thousands of short people that worship my power. I believe you are mistaken.”

“Well, there can only be one ‘Best Wizard at Defending the World Against Evil Through Children of Immense Stupid Luck,’” Dumbledore saw fit to point out.

“Obviously the winner must be me then, since, I believe, you are very much dead.”

“Bah!” Dumbledore belted. “Death is but the start of the next great adventure.”

Gandalf rolled his eyes. “Tell me about it. Fair warning then, it isn’t much easier when you come back. They’ll expect you to be even cooler.”

Dumbledore shook his head. “In our world, dead can not return to Earth, at least as something human.”

“Pity.”

“Greatly.”

“I do believe we’ve veered off track.”

“Indeed.”

“Then let me get us back on track,” Gandolf proposed. “My dear Dumbledore, isn’t it clear to you that you can not win this award as the evils in your world have not yet been defeated?”

Dumbledore waved his hand dismissively to the dark beyond. “That’s only a matter of time, and you know as well as I how little that matters.”

Gandalf sighed loudly. “Well I suppose we must duel then.”

“I suppose so.”

Both wizards stepped out to one side of the pedestal, assessing the other gravely, and ready for action at a moments notice. 

Then, with a long swish of his wand, Dumbledore shouted, “Expelliarmus!”

When nothing happened, Gandalf began to chuckle. “That only works on wands. I carry a staff.”

Dumbledore blushed deeply.

Then Gandalf raised his staff high above his head. It glowed an impressive shade of white. Then— Nothing. At Gandalf’s fallen face, Dumbledore returned his chuckle. “No pit to call forth demons from then?” Gandalf scowled.

“Jelly-Legs Jinx!” Dumbledore shouted next.

When Gandalf began to wiggle back and forth on his legs of jelly, he cursed. “You fool! Do you know how bad this will be for my hip?!”

“Then this should be even worse for your nose!” Dumbledore warned, quickly casting a bat bogey hex.

At the sight of the aged, white wizard wobbling around with bats coming out of his nose, Dumbledore broke down laughing. As he doubled over in giggles, Gandalf sneered, wobbled up behind him and kicked him in the butt, sending Dumbledore headfirst to the ground. 

“Ow!” Dumbledore cried while Gandalf laughed.

“Perhaps a little help is in order then, if you insist on fighting dirty,” Dumbledore suggested. “Accio Harry Potter!”

When Harry Potter popped up beside Dumbledore, looking slightly dazed and remarkably like someone recently shagged, Gandalf guffawed. “Fair is fair then!” He raised his staff high above his head again, and suddenly, Sam and Frodo stood before him. It appeared as though he had caught them at a bad time. Frodo was naked with shampoo in his hair, and Sam was holding a frying pan with eggs and a spatula. 

“Gandalf?” Frodo asked, still confused. “I didn’t know you could do that!”

“Hmm… neither did I. Nevermind, just focus on Harry will you!”

When Frodo saw Harry, and Dumbledore had been standing behind him the whole time, he jumped with surprise.

“Harry,” Dumbledore whispered, “I need your help. Take out Frodo and Sam with me so we can defeat this old fool together and I can get the award.”

“Need my help again, eh?” Harry replied. “Well, at least this is more exciting than just bringing you a fresh pair of socks.” Then to Frodo, “well prepare yourself then. This may be unpleasant for you.”

“But haven’t you heard, Harry? I have the most pure heart in all the world. Therefore, you can not touch me.”

Harry gave him a look that said simply, ‘Puh-lease!’ and then said in a passive, bored voice, “Petrificus Totalus.” Frodo locked up and fell straight back to the ground. Sam stared in utter horror.

“Nooooo!!!” Sam bellowed, rushing forward with the frying pan. The pan was raised high above his head when Harry had a brilliant idea.

“Wingardium Leviosa!” he shouted with a flourish of his wand.

When the pan hung plainly in the air above him, Sam’s eyes grew wide. It dropped straight on his head and Sam fell to the ground.

Dumbledore began to laugh. “Apparently your minions,” he said to Gandalf, “have as much intelligence as a mountain troll.”

This seemed to make Gandalf very mad. He raised his staff again, his face twisted with rage, and streaks of light zoomed at Harry. Harry had a split second's notice to cast shield, and he was a tad too late. The bolts didn’t fry him to pieces like they should have, but he was sent to the ground hard, with burns all over.

Now it was Dumbledore who’d had enough. He picked up Sam’s frying pan, marched to Gandalf, and bopped him on the head. The old man fell dismally to the ground to join his minions and Harry. Dumbledore smiled triumphantly and said, “I would have preferred that go down differently, you see. But alas, no time to trouble one’s self over the past.” With that, he stepped around Gandalf gracefully and bent to pick up the plaque. It would not budge, however. “What?”

Gandalf began to laugh deliriously from the ground, obviously somewhat awake. “Isn't it perfectly obvious?” he said. “Neither one of us is fit for it now. We failed our Children of Immense Stupid Luck!”

Dumbledore could not refute that claim, so there was nothing left to do but eat the half-cooked eggs from the frying pan.

Sam, also beginning to wake up, caught the atrocious sight of Dumbledore eating his eggs, and bellowed, “Noooo!!!” for the second time that night before passing out.

The End.


End file.
